Brain Is On Fire At 2am
My brain is on fire,
which is something I try to avoid at 2 A.M.
I can feel all this potential energy circulating through my blood from my heart and then up in to my head.
I think this is what it means to be alive? I think this is what people call a burning desire?
I sound like an addict or on drugs but I can’t tell you how great having this energy feels, in fact I’m desperately trying to cling to it.
I don’t know how or why I got to this feeling, but I know when the sun comes up I will be back to the more subdued numbed feeling of every day life. What is it about our day that saps this energy away? I know with each task and each decision I make I’ll lose a bit of this fire.
But it’s right now and I feel the energy so I don’t want to go on thinking about how each day I lose it. When this feeling strikes I must capture it.
I am feeling deep gratitude for the things in my life, I am intensely feeling passion for the work I do and the people I get to do it with.
I couldn’t keep it all bottled up so I texted a few people I know words of gratitude. I know I sounded like a mad person. I’m sorry if these woke you.
“How lucky are we to be able to do this every day??”
And “Here we are and holy shit — what should we do with our time?”
Ok last one it’s cheesy - “there’s no reason tomorrow isn’t awesome”
This gratitude should be a constant.
Then I read part of Mary Shelley’s Frankenstein, one of my all time favorite books. I should spend more time learning from the stories of others.
Then I wrote this — something that I suppose could continue on the internet for awhile even after I’m gone. I should create more often than I do.
What do we do with our time here? Do we create things? Read?
Do we build connections with others? How do I keep this relationship to life?
Most of what we spend our time on will be gone, it will disappear. I don’t say that to scare you. But I don’t want to waste any moments that are without meaning.
This means saying NO to so many things. This means being open to YES in so many things.
Moments will disappear but they will be yours if you OWN them while they occur. Maybe they’ll never be documented but that’s ok. You’re there living it, experiencing it, and it’s something more significant than almost anything you own.
These don’t need to be the ‘awards ceremonies’ either. It’s in the in the mundane and in the minutiae that some of the most beautiful things happen. They just need to paid attention to, deeply accepted, and noticed by those experiencing them.
In the future I can only hope I’m feeling what I’m feeling right now.
Anyways, I don't mean to be alarming.
Sorry for waking you up.